#68 Am I a good English writer yet xD 失恋した心の整理💔
I don't really know if I should publicize this one.
Should I?
Or not.
Well if you are reading this, that means I did it anyways.
You might be wondering why I'm writing in English all of a sudden and I'm not sure if I can give you an answer that makes sense but this is the simplest answer; since I'm learning some languages, at some point I think in non-native languages and that sometimes feels as comfortable as thinking in my native language or beyond; thinking in non-native languages feels more comfortable. It really doesn't matter wether I'm making mistakes or not as long as I can release my feelings. It's kinda embarrassing but its okay. Nobody is going to read this random bullshit until the end anyways...
So...I've been suffering a heartbreak recently. I've never felt like this before. I mean...like I've never ever been this sad.
I broke up with my boyfriend. It's actually been a while but Im still so depressed. I've never loved anyone this much before and losing him made my heart broken. I wanna tell you what happened to us and I wanna get this over. Like. Completely. And I kinda mentioned him in this blog so I wanted to write about how it ended too.
Huh okay but so where should I start from...
So we were together for two years.
The beginning of this relationship was so coincidnece enough to say we had those meet-cute thing! We grew up in two different countires which are the other side of the world to each other. But we encountered in my high school by chance. And we became best friends.
He actually liked liked me but he tried to hide his feeling so I noticed his feeling right after we said forever-good bye. One of my friend told me that he liked me so much that he couldn't tell me his feeling because he didn't want to ruin the friendship. So he did a good job in that sense. He didn't ruin it at that time. Now I wish my friend didn't tell me that lol Then we could have been best friends forever. We didn't even imagine he was going to show up in our life that soon.
Here is the beginning of my nightmare.
He came to visit Japan again just 5 months after our "forever" good bye. And he stayed at my place for like 5 days or so telling me that he only wanted to stay ONE night. (wtf? Nice.) We kept being best friends while technically living together for five days so trust me. Nothing had happened. Plus he didn't know I was told that he liked me.
I literally lived in a tiny old apartment in Saitama so there was nowhere to sleep besides my bed but I never let him even touch the bed lol I made him sleep on the floor. Like literally on the floor with a beanbag lol I feel bad for him now but that was how we were "social distancing". (You know, keeping social distance was also important during the pre-covid time.) We did a good job again not to ruin our friendship. Since I knew his feeling toward me, I was actually the one who expected something would happen. Although nothing special to write about, it was fun. I mean living with him was fun. Like eating left over-french fries from McDonalds for breakfast and telling each other not to look at one another when we had to change our clothes in a literally tiny room. To be honest I felt very secure with him. But I kicked him out a few days after my birthday because my friends were coming over and I didn't want anyone to think I was literally living with a foreign guy who was not my boyfriend.
He went back to the city where his host family lived and where we spent our high school time together.
One month later, he came back to my place again. But it was the day just before he was leaving for his country. Thanks god. This time, the time was limitted. At that moment I already decided to quit my college and I went to Juku to study for entrance exams for the university that I actually wanted to attend. So we met at night and were walking to the Tokyo tower (which he said was just a red version of Eiffel Tower). When we arrived to the station, it suddenly started raining so hardly. Nice. We didn't have an umbrella. (I mean I did. But right before we took trains, I left it in a locker service with his baggage.) So we ran to the tower and we were soaked. It was really funny. I coundnt stop laughing when I was with him. We barely took the last train and when we came home, it was already midnight. I was so tired so I fell asleep on my bed while watching some random movie on TV. And when I woke up in the next morning, I found that he was sleeping right next to me.
Oh well.
Uh... We couldn't keep social distance at this very last time. While I was thinking what to say and what to do, he woke up too. He set the AC around 18°C. (God. Americans waste a lot of energy and electricity bill. ) I was shivering quietly and kinda stuck to him to get his warm body temperature. We were talking about random stuff. But I felt like this was the last chance that I could ever hear his real feeling toward me so I was the one who broke the....everything.
Because when we were in high school we hangout a lot but one time, we were at this big park and it was a cold rainy day. He held my hand quietly and it was almost a date. Like you know, the couple thing! But we were just bff! Also he gave me a present a few days after Christmas. I was confused. I didn't understand why he did those things to me. I even thought maybe he was American so he didnt even think holding my hand, giving presents or even like kissing (to make it clear, we didn't kiss though) were special things.
Yeah so. I directly asked him if he liked me (I think I asked in Japanese).
"Like liked liked you?" He answered.
"Oh yeah. LIKED LIKED me."
I said to make it clear or we both knew it was that type of question but not to make the situation awkward.
And he answered slowly,
"yeah...? I guess?"
Omg yes.
Finally.
I could make it clear.
And he asked me if I did.
Uh...that was a hard question. I didn't expect that. There should have been one answer; YES. Right? But I actually had never thought about how I felt toward him. Maybe I liked him. But maybe just as a friend. But I said Yes anyways. I didnt want to hurt him. And I thought we couldn't see each other for a long time again so it wouldn't be awkward.
And then he asked me,
"Can I kiss you? "
And we kissed on the bed.
I swear it was really innocent.
And we made out. (We were still so innocent right🥺)
And we went to the airport. We made a promise that we were going to meet on the first day of school at the same university. I cried so much when he left me. I don't even know why. The people at the airport looked at me with a weird face. I didnt care though. I was crying on the train going back to my tiny quiet apartment.
Huh. Remembering those memories makes me so warm. Why is it so romantic lol Maybe "airport magic" exits just as "体育祭マジック", doesn't it?
And we started that "long distance relationship" thing. But even though we made out, it didnt mean we started to date. But for some reason, I became really crazy about him. I started to like him more than ever. We usually just sent Snapchat everyday. We didnt even text everyday. But I liked talking on our phone sometimes or watching movies with the screen share thingy. I always felt there was huge distance between us and time difference and I also had to study for exams really hard. But we overcame those things. It was him who passed the exam first and then finally I saw my exam's result. We were texting at that moment and he was the first person who was happy about it. And I left for Canada so we were technically at the same time zone. I think the day I came back to Japan and moved to where I'm living right now, he left America. We called on our phone for the last time with that huge distance and couldn't wait to see each other again. We were so excited about everything that was waiting for us.
We officially started our relationship the day we saw each other at the campass at midnight. It wasn't the first day of school as we promised but when we met, we were so happy.
We had so much fun time together. We kinda lived together. I liked his American or Colombian or whatever style breakfast and I still make it for myself. We cleaned my house and did laundry together. We were so so so happy being together. I'm 100% sure that I was the happiest one in the school at that time. And I really wanted to have a future with him.
But when you are being together with even someone you love 24/7, you also go through bad times. We fought a lot. We couldn't understand each other completely. We didnt respect each other's culture. We always tried to convince each other with something that we had grown up being told "right". We never ever compromised. And we finally realized we were completely different type of people lol (But actually we both were stubborn so we were same in that way lol) We loved each other so much that those things didnt bother us that much at first. Yeah at first. As time passed, they became huge problems. You know, there's this saying in Enlgish; A stitch in time saves nine. We never even got one stitch lol So everything started to break apart. we gradually became not to be able to make each other as happy as before. And more than two years after the day we slept on the same bed in Saitama, we decided to break up.
It was so hard to accept that and it has been a year but that still hurts so much. I have happy shiny and kinda old memories with him at every single place I go. I just can't stop bringing him up while talking with my friends. He was part of me and he was part of my life.
But I came to realize that it wasn't the only thing that was making me lonely or sad or depressed or whatever this shitty feelings. I used to talk to him in English, Japanese and Spanish so even though Japanese is my native language, those other two have been part of my life too. Now I feel like I lost half of me. I still think in English and react in English/Spanish. I sometimes have difficulties telling my friends or family what I'm thinking completely in Japanese.
Also I sometimes have some certain things that I found how to say in other languages earlier than in Japanese. Or sometimes there's only Japanese word for certain things to describe and vice versa.
So using three languages to communicate was so easy and comfortable actually. And I loved that way of communication. When you speak in different languages, you can have different perasonalities. And I think those are all you. I loved me speaking in English/Spanish as much as me speaking my native language, Japanese. And I miss that feeling so much.
He taught me so many new English words or expressions. Especially daily bases stuff. Now whenever I recordar...remember (I guess in English) those words, I can't stop thinking about those time he taught me them. Like I used to say "Can you lock the key of the door?" But its wrong (Now I actually think it's funny lol "Can you lock the key of the door?" sounds like 頭痛が痛い thing hahaha). He corrected me again and again until I naturally said it right. Every word or expression he taught me brings me back the memories with him and that hurts me so much. I had never thought those happy moments would have been very harsh for my heart.
Losing me speaking/thinking in English/Spanish is just same as losing another way to perceive or look at the world. Having only one way to do so is so boring and I feel like my life became pretty monotone. I still don't know how to paint it vivid.
But I want to figure it out. I hope I will one day. I want to move on. That's why I'm putting my feelings into words right now. This makes me feel so much better and for me, that might be the only panacea to get this over.
Phew.
I don't think anyone read until this end. But I think I feel better so that's the most important thing! (Btw. The other day, I wanted to say I feel better in Japanese but I couldn't find the best way to do so. Yeah I can say that in Japanese but as soon as I translate it, there is no same emortion that I had when I thought so. I think when you feel something, the language you felt that feeling is the one that carries your emortion with. So feeling better wasnt feeling better yet when I translated it into Japanese lol Does that make sense lol)
So yeah. That's how we got together and also broke up. Was it romantic? xD But remember. The more romantic the story is, the more disastrous the end is. Unless it is a fairy tale there has to be an end. (I believe that fairly tale thing happens in reality btw!)
Also I coundnt say the very detail things because it is very personal but I just needed to release this shitty feelings.
Am I a good English writer yet xD
Ps.
Did anyone actually read this until this end ? XD
